i write with this passion,this feverish race between my brain and the empty space on the paper
the devoid leads to a frantic pace,quick glances out the window at the warehouse district of denver in the shadow of the majestic rocky mountains
gobbling trazadones while I spend my christmases alone.ritually.holy.always.empty
I need some thing to keep me warm.
I need some one to hold me.
I need a little help with happiness and laughter even if its in pill form.
even if it may make me convoulse and seizure,erupting with pain and fever
my brain chemistry hasent been in top shape since my senior year of highschool ,so upward.UP UP UP into the arms of your virgin mother
with a gun barrel between your teeth you only speak in vowels and
saying cliche lines like
"you dont have to do this."
shrug it off and chalk it up as another learning experience.
a whole months worths of coupons for ammunition and liquor
too many regrets to count on one finger
and yet im destined to see the technicolor rainshowers
as i vomit rainbows into the ceramic shower
cold skin dabbed by moist towels
cold words by heated ex spouses who just wish you were dead
or down south.
the only spite I have is with myself for this anchor of heads I have tied to my heart strings,this overwhelming feeling that Im hated by the people who claim they love me,its all anxietys,obnoxious and creeping down my spinal column to include me in the grand scheme of leaving the earth abrupdtly
do I pull a heath ledger or HST?
perscriptions or 12 gage? film or journalisim?
football season isnt over,but its close enough world...
im seeing things happen to me I never thought would,devistating conversations from mothers,exs,best friends...all to apologize for fucking me over
and all to ostrocize me for not being the conformed,pristine choir boy they had evidently assumed I was.
I see the look in their eyes,each of them,worn out from a friendship.
worn out from never getting anything in return but laughs and hugs,and all the money comes so sporadically it never is enough. so I walk
hungry and heartbroken only looking for a place to be
to simply exsit,is that to much to ask? peices of bread,glasses of water
a two hour nap on the floor of the front room of your apartment
some alone time,personal space,these things become luxury to my day to day lifestyle
of surviving this concrete rainforest.
the only slash and burn is my loss of a the one last thing I had going on,
my last lifeline to a normal life,to settle down,take my zoloft as I watch one of my 500 tv channels,wondering what car defines me,what brand represents my individuality.
but Ive been reborn...oh yes...no more sleepless nights contemplating the destruction of my world,my life,my struggle.
no more of putting my faith in love...
no more letting anyone get close..its always somthing you never saw coming...a gradual tightning of the neuce..
I fear im becoming a cold old man with domination on his brain waves,
conditenoned to thinking the way I used to,before love,before having somthing beautiful in my life I could spoil and hold onto threw the morning,wake up to each of us telling stories,eating pomegranetes as the sun kissed our royaly pale pigment...she taught me what it is to be a man,to have responsibilitys,to have goals,aspirations. she listened to me whine about the things I couldent choose in my life,morning after sleepless night,she held me tight,I was like a small child. scared and alone,alienated and wronged by what I percived to be the good in the world,she kept me calm. she stayed with me threw the overdose,after I lost all mental and physical control. she accepted the phone calls from the walsenberg jail,both of us on the verge of tears every time we heard a breath,but I had to stand strong so I wouldent get my assed kicked in,even the nights where she was crying and I just laid there holding her arms are still some of the best hours ive ever had,even during the bad times I thrived off of her presence,those eyes haunt me every fucking second..
but im alive,somehow,even after I lost my sanity quit my job and blew all my money on not remembering tomorrow,trying to forget yesterday. I lost all hope,and that was freedom. freedom to fuck and run amuck all over denver with trashy tramps and scamdogs...gambling and rambling until the morning comes.
never though,never do I fuck or love.never do I wish I was in some one elses shoes. never do I wish I had bank statements and porsches and a room dedicated to dali origonals,with a very respectable wardrobe. nor do I wish I had stayed in school,or bit my tounge a few more instances. the only regrets I have is I couldent have made it better for those who I shared my time with,I couldent shower my princess,drink and smoke up my best friends. I regret there werent more trips to the zoo,I regret we didnt get dolled up and paint the town red more...in that red dress youve always looked so beautiful in,or the gold and purple one,all sparkly and full of energy,or you,it screams your name. most of all I regret not kissing you more...i was assumed it would exsist forever...assumptions can be misleading,huh..deciving even.
as hard as this goes, i wish you the best,I hope you become queen of the universe,I hope all is right with your soul,and you meet a gentleman who your family enjoys more,without a drug problem,well versed in sports,whos a master at card games and james bond trivia,and a wizard with classic cars. I hope you know that I had no intentions to wear you down,make you sick when you see me,all this pride makes im sorrys and I fucked up more scarce and worth less,and all this arrogance make this heart beat dispare as my cold unchanged glare marks an end to words this evening,clinching my teeth as my jawbone creeses in my cheek,for someone who writes all time it sure is hard for me to express myself in anything other then destruction or art...and even then my brain bleeds.I hope you read this,I hope you understand how fucked up my thoughts can be,how torterous it is to never be able to quite fully express yourself in normal ways...even normal sentences that arent littered with gramatical mistakes.
I lost a best friend to GOD for no reason...I cant loose another one for my evilness or trampyness or whatever it may be,however hard it maybe to see you with another guy,I just like to see you,just to know your doing ok,just to know someones enjoying that smile,your laughter,that weird fucking sense of humor.your passion,that brain you have on you,the cute little way you hold your hands when your excited..I just need to know your alive,and doing alright.
oh jaguar,orlandos empty tonight.