gracias!

i sprung it out of the dung yesterday morning
the headys were mourning,no hurting any more,just kedamine and open needle sours
her heart poured into my pimp chalace for hours until our mouths melted
into each others salvia incedents,
laced with way to much acid and amphedmaines snorted over the tips of switch blade match sticks
I wore a doctor doom mask only during naps,sleeping with a back pack full of rhymes and knots that were unloaded so its empty barrel could watch my back
some times i feel like im on a war path on an audio daily double duelin out my govermental scum rebuddles,listening to champion ship games threw headphones while only smoking in the tunnels.pittsburg rough and tumble,tramps goin ham,hum bums are humble till the night rolls around,thats when the wolves go out.
Pirate ships are all over the citys kid,you just have to know hot to hot wire,steer and use the peddles,no finger prints for the 6-UP to get ya,just more tequila shots and vomit. You can have anything in the world if you want to.

UPDATE

YO.So lemme bring you into where Im at.13 days into the new year most people have broken resolutions,or simply got back into the routine that was last year. For myself,last year was an extremly bittersweet time for me...aka it sucked,but some good shit happened,though it was only for a little bit of some of the work I do,I set out a mission. 13 days into the new year I find myself in Charlotesville VA,sitting in front of a fire drinking a corona about to retire for the first time out of a car 12 states after Denver. Anyway the concept is "Dogyear." A dogs life,from what ive heard,consits of years much as ours,but the loveable K9 ages faster,7 years to each of our one. Well I decided to write a diary about living in a car,or hodie,or motie,couch,ladies bed,parents house,friends house,squating,wherever for the next year,in what ever state or country I choose. Though this is a great oppurtunity,it means i cant update this as much as Id like. I,Willy Bonnie, here by swear to try to update weekly from the road with new poems,and love notes.

welp see ya later

puma vs snake

i write with this passion,this feverish race between my brain and the empty space on the paper
the devoid leads to a frantic pace,quick glances out the window at the warehouse district of denver in the shadow of the majestic rocky mountains
gobbling trazadones while I spend my christmases alone.ritually.holy.always.empty
I need some thing to keep me warm.
I need some one to hold me.
I need a little help with happiness and laughter even if its in pill form.
even if it may make me convoulse and seizure,erupting with pain and fever
my brain chemistry hasent been in top shape since my senior year of highschool ,so upward.UP UP UP into the arms of your virgin mother
with a gun barrel between your teeth you only speak in vowels and
broken sentences,
saying cliche lines like
"you dont have to do this."
shrug it off and chalk it up as another learning experience.
a whole months worths of coupons for ammunition and liquor
too many regrets to count on one finger
and yet im destined to see the technicolor rainshowers
as i vomit rainbows into the ceramic shower
cold skin dabbed by moist towels
cold words by heated ex spouses who just wish you were dead
or down south.
the only spite I have is with myself for this anchor of heads I have tied to my heart strings,this overwhelming feeling that Im hated by the people who claim they love me,its all anxietys,obnoxious and creeping down my spinal column to include me in the grand scheme of leaving the earth abrupdtly
schemeing
do I pull a heath ledger or HST?
perscriptions or 12 gage? film or journalisim?
football season isnt over,but its close enough world...
im seeing things happen to me I never thought would,devistating conversations from mothers,exs,best friends...all to apologize for fucking me over
and all to ostrocize me for not being the conformed,pristine choir boy they had evidently assumed I was.
I see the look in their eyes,each of them,worn out from a friendship.
worn out from never getting anything in return but laughs and hugs,and all the money comes so sporadically it never is enough. so I walk
hungry and heartbroken only looking for a place to be
to simply exsit,is that to much to ask? peices of bread,glasses of water
a two hour nap on the floor of the front room of your apartment
some alone time,personal space,these things become luxury to my day to day lifestyle
of surviving this concrete rainforest.
the only slash and burn is my loss of a the one last thing I had going on,
my last lifeline to a normal life,to settle down,take my zoloft as I watch one of my 500 tv channels,wondering what car defines me,what brand represents my individuality.
but Ive been reborn...oh yes...no more sleepless nights contemplating the destruction of my world,my life,my struggle.
no more of putting my faith in love...
no more letting anyone get close..its always somthing you never saw coming...a gradual tightning of the neuce..
I fear im becoming a cold old man with domination on his brain waves,
conditenoned to thinking the way I used to,before love,before having somthing beautiful in my life I could spoil and hold onto threw the morning,wake up to each of us telling stories,eating pomegranetes as the sun kissed our royaly pale pigment...she taught me what it is to be a man,to have responsibilitys,to have goals,aspirations. she listened to me whine about the things I couldent choose in my life,morning after sleepless night,she held me tight,I was like a small child. scared and alone,alienated and wronged by what I percived to be the good in the world,she kept me calm. she stayed with me threw the overdose,after I lost all mental and physical control. she accepted the phone calls from the walsenberg jail,both of us on the verge of tears every time we heard a breath,but I had to stand strong so I wouldent get my assed kicked in,even the nights where she was crying and I just laid there holding her arms are still some of the best hours ive ever had,even during the bad times I thrived off of her presence,those eyes haunt me every fucking second..
but im alive,somehow,even after I lost my sanity quit my job and blew all my money on not remembering tomorrow,trying to forget yesterday. I lost all hope,and that was freedom. freedom to fuck and run amuck all over denver with trashy tramps and scamdogs...gambling and rambling until the morning comes.

never though,never do I fuck or love.never do I wish I was in some one elses shoes. never do I wish I had bank statements and porsches and a room dedicated to dali origonals,with a very respectable wardrobe. nor do I wish I had stayed in school,or bit my tounge a few more instances. the only regrets I have is I couldent have made it better for those who I shared my time with,I couldent shower my princess,drink and smoke up my best friends. I regret there werent more trips to the zoo,I regret we didnt get dolled up and paint the town red more...in that red dress youve always looked so beautiful in,or the gold and purple one,all sparkly and full of energy,or you,it screams your name. most of all I regret not kissing you more...i was assumed it would exsist forever...assumptions can be misleading,huh..deciving even.
as hard as this goes, i wish you the best,I hope you become queen of the universe,I hope all is right with your soul,and you meet a gentleman who your family enjoys more,without a drug problem,well versed in sports,whos a master at card games and james bond trivia,and a wizard with classic cars. I hope you know that I had no intentions to wear you down,make you sick when you see me,all this pride makes im sorrys and I fucked up more scarce and worth less,and all this arrogance make this heart beat dispare as my cold unchanged glare marks an end to words this evening,clinching my teeth as my jawbone creeses in my cheek,for someone who writes all time it sure is hard for me to express myself in anything other then destruction or art...and even then my brain bleeds.I hope you read this,I hope you understand how fucked up my thoughts can be,how torterous it is to never be able to quite fully express yourself in normal ways...even normal sentences that arent littered with gramatical mistakes.

I lost a best friend to GOD for no reason...I cant loose another one for my evilness or trampyness or whatever it may be,however hard it maybe to see you with another guy,I just like to see you,just to know your doing ok,just to know someones enjoying that smile,your laughter,that weird fucking sense of humor.your passion,that brain you have on you,the cute little way you hold your hands when your excited..I just need to know your alive,and doing alright.

oh jaguar,orlandos empty tonight.

inside my cerebral cortext

heaven..
do you smell the machinery?
the gears grinding into a new century of gilded prospects and revelry
aspects of the whole ordeal are seasoned with lunacy
no more noise,I plead
only hundred dollar bills and stripper poles
plush pleather couches with mozart turned to unmatched deciables
loud.pulsating symphonic orgasims for the enlightened youth of symbolic modern living
...if you were concerned...
we are those classy fellows with scotch and cigar calogne
dining &
speaking amongst ourselves in the back of the ballroom
blitzed by the benzodiazepane self written perscriptions and crime wave binges of our yesteryears, only to prove at one time we lived life without restrictions.
limits
we had mentioned no more words would be ommited in here.Hush.Hush,the dogs will be here soon with military and new laws on the books,making art as illegal as murder.
I see this brave new world emerging
barely paying mind to the time period we find our selves lost in at the present moment...surrounded by the ladies and their gentlemen.grenadine and assorted hand guns...rarely making time to regret the things no one even tried to remeber..
we black out and seizure,speak in tounges and worship
preaching that every being is a God of sorts and should be treated as such..
we lay naked in a pile in the middle of the floor
bellowing laughter as we find others staminas have failed in comparison to ours
we kiss threw the solar flares and eclipses of satelittes and space stations
in shadows of celestial worlds
we find ourselves at the edge of the universe hopped up on nicotene and amphedamines
reciting the poetry we had wrote silently as the metor shower evolved in secracy,
above the nebulas and rings of saturn,we danced in the stars for hours in silence
far from the creature comforts of my california king size comferters
and my mistress the lake by the name of whitney,texas.
Or my lovers...the capital city...austin...denver..
anaheim just kinda happened.
we bathe in the river together as the night wears on,showers for the weary travelers with asphalt in their blood,road signs in their eyes on perpetual green lights and the only word:
GO.never a request always a statement.
no white borders around the stop sign. no fear of losing money or respect,swallowing pride we eat off of good wills and friend ships of the brothel.
sleep in empty beds of best friends as our wishes our scribbled in a drunken desire to express the love we have for everyone in the bsement of lights,glistening to the sound of the saw that groans in the other dimensions of an empty house to a living organisim.
the doomed tone of the evening is soft,and our shirt tails have been caught on the fences of every midwestern town from here to maryland
we wore on threw black holes and super novas,realising their is no home
only hope and roads formed by the dirt and sand,shaped by the wind and mud.
we brush our shoulders and thighs as we devise exit plans to throw wild ragers of our own.
we cry as wolves would as we exit stage right,out the main lobby of the building and into our restless night of lives given new strucure and form as we still wait for the sun,burning each cigarette to its filter,stripping each tire of rubber.
the flowers choke the sky scrapers till their lifeless and vibrant
we escape to an opium den in southern thailand for a six month binge of filling our heads with knowledge you cant obtain from in a class room setting.
I run the chess board,just as the saint has his siberian summer
or the father has his common obscure, we found we had become enamored by our thick white porcealin scultrues,and as sick of em as we were,as vultures we swooped in to bask in the auroma of disease...this defeat,as it would be,is an act of war as we see it. words tossed about as simples as whores...the more we discussed it the less logic it held,regardless,we had no concept of failing
even in our darkest moments,mortals barely comapred to the nights where we lost everything to the river card.
we stand strong,silently, on the pillaged sun we obtained from the ronin shogun in deep space battles of spoken word poetry
their gun swords clapped as the snow turned to rain and uneconomical commotities
basking in the awkard ness of the feeling of meeting the only woman you couldent put a ring on...the only one youd ever need too do it to...she becomes this muse of sorts,haunting every stoke of the keyboard and every strike of the pen until theres an abscene of words...and abscense of colors...an area of space devoid of worlds...moons...only written music and meditation,the only language and team sport...it hurts to know it will never be over until the airplane crashes into the nursery that is full of your future.our future...we walk on only to say and do nothing but smoke spliffs on the platte river,the feeling of the city is electric and were crippled with laughter from the mushrooms we had devoured...love as we lay on the laps of our family...the friends youve always wished...no...prayed for...waited days for you to come back to erect a home and share community for.
and still the sun resmains the center of all things related to our quadrent of the universe
much in the same way a sparked peice of paper burns and ignites the kindled fire wood in the cold morning...
I look to her in the most peculiar of ways on,on this most beautiful of days,eating a sack lunch of grapes on a picnic blanket as our skin is covered in delicate UV rays.
I think its the setting,or the sun dress shes wearing,the glare from behind her head shows all smile as the rest of her features blur
I think shes a story,a fable of glourius intentions and beautiful genetics all mixed up into a typhoon of sex,weed,liquor and talking with smoke in and out of these speech riddled cheeks.. until the moonlight is devistated by our own star and we lay motionless and quiet,counting the planes wed seen.the places wed like to have been.
it wasnt till I was back amongst the astronauts I call brothers,in this grand hall of reliving,that I realized the full extent of the day,the words shed said inbetween the questions she had set up for her own reasons and the wordplay we had shared in combat of wits and prejuadeces...
...the party goes on,life if you would,as the gentleman mingle I sit alone and stare at the world,its cold gaze deafened by the blushes from the females with the california gold rush mentality on wealth and happiness pushing their tits out for my attention,
this large bearded man lost in contemplation,dreaning of new ways to acheive greatness,to redefine it at the very least.
id speak but im felling the gravitational weights holding and pulling me in and out of the trophosphere and mountain peaks,pointing my compaus north west towards a ceartin pacific ocean...and still I roam nomadically.
reeling in pain from realizations I know
still she thinks about me as much as I do her.
still matter is formed bent and created by forces we cant describe or control.
still all things live and die no matter how spritely or ancient
yes!,I pledge to talk till your teeth are numb and were wide awake in the morning
pouring coffee over a loaded cannibas pipe and mimosas
let me brush the hair from you eyes darling
we sit quietly and gaze into each others souls,each others worlds,each others hopes and desires for normalcy or constant storms,
this ship I have comenderead turned into a massive civilization on the back of a sea turtle...Im afraid theres not much time left,love.
the revolution is upon us and tonight we dine with lucifer,tomorrow,
amongst the gods.

building closer hope

this girl i loved...well this woman I know...
broke my soul in a conquest of love...
old notes written days before...scatter this floor...
evidently shes in another mans arms.
I never grew wiser,only older...due to alchohaul...
or the sunlites pastures on the snowcovered peaks peeking over the jagged outline i once considered as land and realize its now "Home." for lack of a better term...
for lack of family or love.
This burning hearts on hold...dial tones...
as I contemplate the next rook placement...all my pawns are eliviated from the board...
discracess...my compass which sways in every direction is always pointed north,
west...where ever I can prove to be less than a God & more than a mortal...elegant with words...for i am no mormon,
nor atheist,agnostic or christian.
simply a wandering heart broken child seeking a vagina to rest in...or worship.
which ever is needed,or lacked...
my bags are packed,im out the door,stealing the quarters from my old friends floor..
ive finally hit rock bottem...the sunday after christmas...sad and way to sober...

the only words ive only said were sermons.
the only words ive ever written were scripture.

I hold the trump card...I just forgot to play it.

Id smile but my teeth continue to grind down into a fine powder,
Im wencing as if the sun is close by,undetoured from the clouds
and a gentle hum from the vents above cools down this shivering body,
im vomiting...I wish it was the whiskey...its this sickness that calls for incompacitating heart murmurs and a forgiveness of sorts...this nomad deserves no symbolance of home
nor a normal life,or lover.
I havent felt this way since highschool,
and even then it didnt feel like losing my mind
I had just began picking up the peices from the speeches of abandonment from my parents
and they understood
I shared everything I had and lost it all to friendship
and a dirty cunt with a hole in her chest
where evil dines in white garments and blood stains..
my brain gives way to fear,and heart break and sadness
a few choice words later,and shes at the doorstep...
im so coheraent its maddning.
as I hear her small awkward footsteps,
and his larger heavy footed stomps
I remember I still have the love note I wrote her crumpled in my pocket...
12 hours ago...so little time...so many shots afterward
when I thought she was an angel
,and he a brother
but its good to know they banged it out,
seriously
especially from all her old lies
masked by a deciving smile
which were only words at some point,
nothing that meant anything
but deception of the ones who love you..
homewrecker.lost whore on the side of the road. this isnt your city,go home!
but it isnt my city either...
so where do I go?

nameless

new post,
old words
same exact script from the night before.
benzodiazepane,
oh...
and by the way
a kid from high school blew out the brains out of his skull..
your bestfriends girlfriends brother chocked in his own vomit.
merry christmas,
you ol scam dog you!
diffrent,but the same as before.
less drugs,
more shit on the carpet.
breakfast with friends,
the same as it begins
it ends...
only more high with less wit..
this couch looks like a nice place to live.
benzodiazepan again.
this old house is a horror
i left a note for my best friend
no pictures
it only read
thanks for the night spent in your bed
no dirty minds
only homeless.
then i begin the long day again