1983

prolific & gifted

narcissistic & pretentious

venting to a ceiling

another night unscripted

vicious adaptations of perception

no exception to the rule

on a cocktail of prescriptions

& I can still smell her perfume

like some sort of curse,some sort of truth

thrashed out trashed out,vomiting in a expensive ass hotel room

because where am I going to run too...the only next move

this country looks like a chess board

& all I have is a mattress and a chest of drawers

no credit,no paperwork,just spoils of war

alot of the time Im such a pacifist...I wish I hated more

sometimes I have so much hatred I just pray I dont hurt

prey to the eyes of the world

love in the eye of the storm

& here I sit...barred out and alone

thank God for flying lotus...or Id be more anxious to how this night would go

fuck poetry

fuck art

I vomit all these things I create

there is no "process"

you want explinations?

go look at the stars...

feel the pain in your heart

let that be a start.

theres never enough universes to chart

never enough bars for starts

anxiety riddled so I dont leave the house

but for walks...I'am a nebula...fuck more like a quasar

you can see me in the distance

but Im so much farther then I appear

luminous and dark

complex looks at the absence...and the abyss we compartmentalize

I wish i wrote like you

or you were here..to lay in the bed you gave me

it occupies an empty room

a full closet tho...just a sign of vanity...the social insanity...doom

I think I'm comfortable in misery

like some sort of ministry

I thought it'd be a mini series

but its season 9...and we're losing all meaning

I wish I spoke like you

focused and intentionally

I stand in the basement grow just to stay cold

just going insane casually.

You made me feel extravagantly

the first time my soul wasnt a graveyard

I wish I could clean up,be more honest...refrain from being so broken hearted

but I just cant understand whats happening to me...developing habits like I need a routine

down the rabbit hole

no concern of the future it seems

just some empty goals with dellusions of grander & gleems

and I just want to hold your hand in the aisle of some marketing scheme.

or just early morning meanderings

waking up next to you

only to lay there until late afternoon...

its been a long time since I've felt new...since Ive said what I said to you...since Ive had meaning

total eclipse

open mind /closed wounds

drifting...uplifting

I want people to succeed

this isnt how you bloom.

you need statistics and goals

blankets & open roads

lumps in your throat

skin off knuckles...composite notebooks full of poems...musings

teachings.

lots of youngins callin themselves Gods

but their in an old testament fog

Im chilling with prostitutes,liars & theives...calling myself love...ready to be flogged...reaching

In my eyes you've seen the last, lost the plugs

junkies have pasts...sometimes even futures but

boy oh boy

if I could only remain sober with consistiency...then there wouldnt be these feelings of inadequacies

I promised I would clean up, seeming broken hearted

watching dave hit the vein with the needled was how it started

or maybe Calvas apartment...he said: "but your an artist"

I guess I shouldnt be seeing this as my farthest

further as I travel

meanings unravel...all the answers lead to questions

they all have diffrent babble

same goals ////// never loose hope

but all these pills are just as bad as ropes

on my walk earlier today...I think about 3

I stopped and I talked to a man under a tree

in his 90 years he says,he never made money doing any one thing

but he was always happy...now these sunburnt arms in the quiet hours of early evening loose feeling

another beautiful day & yet it all still seems so fleeting...

maybe hes right

making myself happy is all that I can really dream..."when did you stop thinking like a loser"...

this afternoon,

it seems.

dead weight

solid 8

ok...maybe 5

alright I lied...like a 99

full manna

eating bananas

hanging upside down from power lines...

to be blunt...I enjoy being high...most of the time

maybe thats the problem

maybe I'm the one

maybe if I acted more like a script

this movie would play like the silver screen.

I play dumb,try not to scream

pretend to want somthing

I honestly just wanna eat

sleep

rhyme lines // snort time

fall asleep at your side

listen to your heart beat...make beleive everything will be "fine"

its all finesse

in fact as I digress as I see the degrees

the other variables I need

one cant become another without the stars & the sea

thrown overboard into an eagles nest

a night aloud.

I think I forgot how to rest

just put my heart into everything Ive found.

my guardian angel is a chubby,

floppy haired mexican kid

smoking blunts in an old pair of

shoes I gave him...reminding me to never give in...or up

all these rails got my nose runnin

my teeth look whiter due to all the blood bubbling

and for once I believe everythings gonna be O.K.

that my life wont be on the front...that this isnt the last jump

a first step really...a late leap

right before a long brunch

with the woman I love

and the stars still hovering silently,quietly above

I feel the hum of the universe

the alignments in play

I see the scope of the algorithims

and all the parts seem wasted.

I hope this isnt a plee

but a system without a basis in reality

somthing that works for me

chaos in this so called conformity

I am divinity

evil & good in contained space

I am masculine...I am feminine

the light & darkness which prays

I prey on those weak of heart

as if I had anything to say

defenitions vary

just as my studies day after day

just to clarify

I have never had clarity

just muddy portraits of dreams

peices of peace I wish to breed...reems of paper bookmarked with lost hair...broken teeth

maybe Ill never need again

all of earths provisions redeemed for me

"when did you start thinking like a loser?"

the first time I started to win...like some sort of belief

you texting to come

is really asking too.

12 o clock at night

I guess you've been thinking

of me too.